It is what it is!

So today I am having another "No good, very bad day" My friends in Early Childhood will understand the irony of this. My day went to hell in a hand-basket before I even walked out the front door. I am always amazed but the lack of understanding or lack of misunderstanding that others have for me. I often wonder if anyone really knows me at all? Maybe not, maybe I am a huge mosaic and it is hard for other to know me; that's why I frustrate people and that why I have so few close friends. I do have tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve and I also have tendency to offend. I often have no filter and don't think before I act, not out of malice or not caring but out of caring to much, caring for others, my friends, my children, my job and often last on my list is myself although my Blood family has been known to call me selfish a time or to, my few close friends would never say that. So goes back to the question of negativism? I am not by nature a negative person however I am a reflective person and I reflect for better or worse the feeling of those around around me plus my physical feelings. So if I have been negative lately its because I have been receiving it, to the point that I am manifesting physically symptoms. So my negative self is going back to the doctors for more tests starting next week. I already see the direction the tests are heading from the not 1 but 2 return phone calls from the doctors office since I made the appointment. This does make me negative as well as other things, like work and doing others peoples job and only getting paid for mine, being salary and working excessive hours, dealing with parents, teachers and supervisors who want everything right now! Doing all of this with a happy face, on top of riding the METRO to get to work which has been not working, crowded, hot, and walking extra on my hip because most if not all of the escalators are out lately! But still trying to be positive because I work with kids! I always do long commutes for work, LONG but I'm really done with them, so tired, I want to relax walk to work or better yet work from home again, this 2 hour commute shit is for the birds no wonder I'm tired and cranky! Then Working on a 45 hour in-class portfolio practicum for a professor, who won't return phone calls or emails or even grade papers because it is what I need to do for college but trying not to stress and not be rude about it! Why because it's what I do! After all need the grade need the finical aid money college is expensive and my mother didn't pay for mine, or the VA or my husband or employer or anyone but ME working my tail off and begging for money or filling out scholarship applications or as a last resort asking for a loan! Then trying to not upset my grandmother and get this tile done for my grandfathers internment bench at the last minute because NO ONE in my family thought it was important to tell me about it a month ago when all the other kids/grandkids were working on theirs. Then when I FINALLY found out about it. NO ONE bothers to answer my emails about it! But don't feel bad, don't feel like the black sheep or the outcast, Don't get negative, get it done because its what grandma wants! I will because its what I do! With a Happy Face!!!!! I will not be negative when my ex husband does nothing with my boys and always them to raise themselves in a house that needs an eight hour cleaning from the bleach fairy to even begin to be clean. I will not be negative when my oldest child goes on his first date and calls me instead of hugging me as he walks out the door and I will not be negative every time my youngest son calls me to tell me why he misses me today. I do NOT need to be reminded of the positives; I already am GRATEFUL for the positives I have in my life, my children, who I never get to see enough, (Colorado Child Custody LAWS SUCK! 70/30 is BULLSHIT, because I want a better life?Again though I wont be negative I do get them but not near enough) Troy who surprised me at a time in my life when I thought I was lost (Still not sure I've been really found), My grandmother who saves me time again from the worst in myself (I wonder why sometimes), my VERY close friends, Victoria (30 plus years is a long time), Dian (20 plus years is a long time), Derek (I love you like a son) , Mike (I love you like a son and brother), De (Are you sure you aren't my mother?), Amanda (My friend and confident) , Cortney (My friends and confident), Jim (My friend who teaches me patience and tolerance above all), and then the little things I have in my life, like the ability to learn and adapt. So today's lesson learned; Learning and adaptation. So today I am going to be negative, sorry it is what it is.