Friends:
Recently I learned that some friendships just don't last, that you are not as important to people as you believe and that sadly some people are only out for themselves or worse yet to see you fail. My friends over the years have been the greatest source of comfort and at times heartache to me; this last trip to Colorado was disappointing from the perspective, I know I made it a point to let everyone know I was not there for my friends but for my children, however I did expect some of my friends to come see to make time for me as I try and do for them. I have to admit to having some hurt feelings over the lack of visits and in some cases even a phone call to make sure I was ok and the kids were ok. However some friends like always come through, Jim went very much out of his way, Victoria who has been there for 30 plus years for me, Derik who couldn't be more family if he was blood related I got to see. The phone Calls From Amanda and Dian were great as well and I wish some mis-communication wouldn't have prevented visits. Anyway some friendships are lifetimes, some are brief, however I do value all my friends and really wish they all valued me the same.
Family & Foes:
So this trip meant seeing people who don't like me, the trip was however for my children and Dorathy not anyone else. Dealing with my former brother in law and his wife brought me frustration at times, when a few kind words couldn't even be spoken my direction. I know even when I was family I was not favored with them but during a time of family mourning you would think. I learned that they are exactly the people I have always believed them to be which makes me sad for them, people who think they are better than others and people judge without all the facts often get burned in the end. Then the big one the ex; I try very hard to be friends with him and during this visit I did try more so than ever before, this family has lost many loved ones, no one as much as Dorathy I knew he was going to be devastated and he was. However once again he showed his true colors by insulting me in front of our oldest child, THEN apologizing for it because someone saw him. Frankly I would rather not have had the apology at all. People should be honest 100% of the time not sugar coat it so in a way I'm glad to know where I stand and perhaps in some sad way where I have always stood with him. I had to not only deal with the former in laws on this trip but my mother as well. My former in laws many of them are great, my former sister in law Dana is a sweet kind hearted person, my former father in law Dave is Truly a nice guy. So many of the aunts, uncles and cousin are kind and sweet and I hated saying goodbye again to all of them. Hopefully though since my kids are family I sort of still am and can keep in better contact with some of them. As for my mother and brother, to say that we have been estranged would be an understatement. My Brother is angry at me for something that he won't talk to me about. Which is for the best I suppose because I have my own issues with him that I may not be kind about. As for my mother, I guess she is trying to be kind, a card and a birthday gift plus a few phone calls of concern for my well being during the drive. Considering she really hasn't spoken to me in months this is a step forward. However like my brother she does not want to discuss why she is upset. This is very much her way, be angry let it blow over, be friends, then be angry again and the cycle repeats. I guess nothing changes huh?
Forging Forward:
So here I am back in Annapolis trying very hard to process all my feeling from this trip and return to a "normal" life as well as move forward. The last Death in the family really lead me to a different life, made me so some things that I couldn't or didn't want to see before, I think this has the same effect, what those things are however I don't know. College is coming to an end for me and that will keep me busier than I have been in a long time but the pressure of the dissertation is getting to me and more now than ever before I want to quit; I have a Masters Degree which is lot more than some. Work is always busy and then just the normal day to day things life throws your way. My life seems to be as settled and calm as its going to be for a bit, however things change as much as I don't want them to they always do. I am going forward trying to see what the next move forward brings in change.
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